A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
You Might Also Like
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
uh oh
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport