[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Would you wear it?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name