if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.