The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Ovenable?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels