her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
*Inspirational Tweets*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
*seductively winces due to lower back pain