People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.