Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that鈥檚 not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I鈥檒l allow.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister鈥檚 instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
all i鈥檓 saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[Catwoman鈥檚 Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The library is always busy; it鈥檚 fully booked.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can鈥檛 figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Unfortunately, Superman won鈥檛 be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won鈥檛 go near the crypt tonight.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 馃檨
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding