If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Received some very disappointing news today
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent