son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”