“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.