Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*