Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Herpes is trending, good job people
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.