[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.