My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Wait a second…
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me