Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad