My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
i wish we could shoplift online
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Why is no one talking about this?!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’