You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.