Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
me before I type out affect or effect
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
#parenting
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I have questions??
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.