waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.