[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Blew my mind.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO