[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The Compass
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.