Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

This hospital has everything

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Boating season is upon us.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

This headline is a thing of beauty

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~