You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess