*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero