Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
🍞🦆
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this