This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
philosophical skeletons be like
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in