I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
You Might Also Like
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.