Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time