As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend