When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.