When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Finished stitching this today 😇
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The honesty is refreshing
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack