It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Hi everyone,
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