All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine