My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.