I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
😂😂😂
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!