Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.