HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”