If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When can I start eating bats again.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.