Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it