Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Please do it!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.