[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.