Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Anyone want a chair?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Otters see a butterfly.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?