Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
You Might Also Like
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“i am a sweet baby”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.