we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter