Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
forgive me baja for i have blast