Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right