Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
estão todos miauvindo?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great