Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”