The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.