Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon